Living Apart Together

A photograph and a few words

"Individuals are choosing the kind of relationship they really want, instead of trying to conform to narrow expectations for what a relationship is supposed to look like.” 

Angela Amias

I've not long said goodbye to my wife Sarah, who stayed with me for the last few days. The photograph above is from our trip to the northeast coast yesterday. As you can see, it was something of a grey-on-grey day weather-wise. Although the east wind off the North Sea treated us more gently than I’ve experienced, and the weather did not spoil our feeling of togetherness.

A little while ago, I discovered Sarah and I have a LAT (living apart together) marriage. Until that discovery, I told people we lived separately and watched their eyebrows arch as I explained that we loved each other but chose to live apart. After some eighteen years together in a more conventional and very happy marriage, we decided to part a couple of years ago. Living (and loving) apart together far better represents the marriage that Sarah and I now have. Wishing to maintain a committed romantic relationship but choosing to live separately. 

The beauty of LAT living is its flexibility. Couples can live in the same apartment building, on the same street, or even in houses next to each other. The arrangement can cater to individual preferences, whether urban hustle for one and suburban peace for the other, or in our case, different cities (although maybe the distance between our two cities is a little extreme, being over two hundred miles apart).

I suppose, without knowing it, I had some LAT experience during my working life. On two occasions, for career reasons, I 'lived out of a suitcase' for many months in hotels some hundred miles from my home and family, seeing them for fleeting weekends. While challenging, it allowed me to maintain my professional commitments without overly compromising my relationship—something true for many geographically distant couples due to work or study. 

While LAT relationships have been around for a long time, they have gained prominence in recent decades (the term itself is from the late 1970s) in challenging traditional cohabitation and marriage norms, offering an alternative that accommodates personal independence and various lifestyle choices. Notable higher profile LAT couples in the past include Frédéric Chopin and George Sand, Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, while more recently, there's Margaret Drabble and husband Michael Holroyd, Arundhati Roy and husband Pradip Krishen.

But they are 'celebrities', and to begin with, I thought Sarah and my arrangement was rare amongst the less high-profile, but apparently, it's more common than I thought. Statistics show that LAT couples account for around 10% of adults in Britain. It's a similar percentage across Europe, and in the USA and Canada, it is around 5%.

The increase in LAT relationships can be attributed to several social, economic, and cultural factors. Traditional views of relationships, particularly marriage and cohabitation, have evolved. As societies become more accepting of diverse relationship forms, individuals feel less pressured to conform to conventional living arrangements. Sarah and I have each married and divorced before. That experience may have altered our thinking towards a LAT arrangement. From my short experience, such a relationship offers the emotional connection of a partnership without the potential challenges and conflicts that can arise from sharing a living space. Many value their personal space and independence, which can sometimes be challenging to maintain in a cohabiting relationship. LAT arrangements allow partners to retain autonomy while enjoying a relationship's emotional and romantic benefits.

Historically, marriage has been seen as the ultimate expression of commitment, cohabitation and the pooling of resources. However, LAT relationships challenge this notion by demonstrating that commitment can exist without shared living arrangements. This is easier now that the societal pressure to marry is diminishing, although, as with Sarah and me, many couples wish to be married while continuing to live apart. For LAT couples, commitment is not necessarily tied to physical proximity or shared domestic responsibilities but to emotional support and mutual respect. Couples who live apart can focus on the heart of the relationship, not the daily details of existing together and running a household. So, your relationship doesn't end up being defined by the stresses of whose turn it is to do the washing or who didn't close the kitchen cabinets.  Having breaks allows your time together to be about bonding and focussing on what you enjoy about each other and not fretting about the small stuff. Arguably, one of the most significant benefits of living apart is that it can keep the ‘spark’ alive in the relationship. I can testify that the distance between Sarah and me makes my heart grow fonder. I'm not sure that would be the case if we still lived in the same house. Ultimately, it all comes down to a couple spending quality time together instead of just time. 

Of course, Sarah and I are fortunate in that our financial situation allows us to live separately, and our children are adults who have long flown the nest. However, the family dynamics of an LAT relationship involving young children need careful consideration to maintain stability in their family environment. 

Like any relationship, LAT comes with its benefits and challenges.  LAT relationships empower individuals to maintain independence, personal routines, and living spaces. This leads to a sense of freedom and greater satisfaction in the relationship as partners feel less constrained and more able to pursue their interests. Decorating your space however you want, setting your schedule and seeing friends and relatives without feeling guilty about splitting time with your spouse. Also, many typical relationship conflicts stem from shared living arrangements, such as disagreements over household chores. LAT couples may experience fewer domestic conflicts by living separately, leading to a healthier relationship dynamic. Each partner can be as messy, noisy and disorganised as they want.

There are, of course, disadvantages to a LAT arrangement, too. Primarily, LAT is more costly because such arrangements come with the financial challenge of maintaining two households. I mentioned that Sarah and I are fortunate in that regard, but financial constraints can mean LAT is not feasible for many couples. Also, being apart will exacerbate any insecurities in the relationship. In that case, jealousy can come into play if one or both partners feel like they're being ignored or if they worry about where their spouse is, what they're doing, and who they're doing it with. In fact, the greatest challenge of an LAT relationship is the very thing that can make such a relationship work. Namely, distance. When we fall in love, we naturally desire physical proximity to the one we love. Living largely apart can stir up jealousy, insecurity, loneliness and fears about your partner's fidelity. In the end, all of that comes down to the strength of the relationship and the trust the couple have for each other, which is the cornerstone of any relationship. Infidelity can still arise even in cohabiting couples.

Undoubtedly, Sarah and I miss each other's physical presence at times. Those times when we might need a hug, the touch of a hand, or an encouraging smile. With the distance between us being over two hundred miles, we can't just pop around the corner for a touch of the other's hand. This puts much more importance on effective and regular verbal and written communication to maintain emotional intimacy by feeling deeply connected and understood despite being so far apart.

Even in these more enlightened times, LAT relationships may be misunderstood or judged by others, particularly in societies where cohabitation and marriage are the norm. Couples may face questions or criticism from family and friends who do not understand their choice.

In truth, when Sarah and I decided to separate two years ago, I don't think we had some form of LAT relationship in mind. Our marriage had become more like living together apart, which was the reason behind our decision. Our relationship had slipped down through the gears and was now in neutral. Looking to a separate future for us both, we saw a continuing close friendship, but not with as much love and emotional contact as we now have.

To better organise our financial arrangements, we decided on a legal separation confirmed by the Court. It was a simple enough process. Download the requisite form (that can also be used for those seeking divorce) and fill in the required elements. In our case, it was little more than name, date of marriage, and address, given that we did not need the Court to judge on our agreed financial arrangements. The hardest part was finding a chequebook from which a cheque for the sum of £365 (the divorce cost is higher) could be attached to the form. We then sent it all off in the post and waited. 

A couple of weeks later, our form and uncashed cheque came back. The form had handwritten comments and some 'hieroglyphs' with a covering note that we had entered some information incorrectly. We duly corrected that and sent off the form and cheque again. And again, we waited.

The cheque was cashed a couple of weeks later. Then Sarah and I received separate emails asking us to confirm that we wished to proceed with the separation application. We both replied in the affirmative and waited. And waited. And waited. After a few months, I called the Court's helpline to inquire about progress. The person I spoke to was pleasant, confirmed receipt of our application and offered it was being processed. We again waited. While we waited, we sold our house in Wiltshire and moved to Northamptonshire. To keep things simple, we decided that Sarah would find a new place first, and then I would 'lodge' with her until I found a new place. 

After several months of not hearing anything, we again enquired through the court helpline. This time, the helpful person I spoke to offered that the case was now with the Court at Bury St Edmunds. However, the Court was notorious for not getting back to people and ignoring email enquiries, so our best bet would be to write in the traditional way to inquire about progress. We wrote but received no reply.

By this point, I was settled back in the northeast of England, and Sarah and I had slipped comfortably into our LAT relationship. A few months ago, I tried again to see at what stage our legal separation was and received no tangible information. It felt like the never-ending Jarndyce and Jarndyce fictional probate case in Charles Dicken's Bleak House. However, thankfully, ours was not acrimonious and without the cost of lawyers. At some point, the Court may decide that Sarah and I are legally separated. However, I think it may take so long for the court to reach that decision that the Grim Reaper might get there sooner and make such an arrangement permanent.

When Sarah and I physically separated, and I had moved into my new abode in northeast England that separation did not last long. Just two weeks, in fact, as I then travelled back to Sarah's place to spend Christmas cat-sitting (we agreed that Sarah took 'custody' of our cats as they would enjoy life more in Sarah’s more rural setting), enabling her to have Christmas with her mam in Kent. It was my first Christmas in 65 years I spent on my own. Well, not entirely on my own. I was with two cats. Of course, cats being cats, they showed me all the indifference I expected. But I enjoyed the peace and tranquillity of that Christmas day so much that I spent last Christmas alone in my home in Blaydon and will do so again this year.

Shortly after we physically separated, Sarah and I realised we still loved each other. Maybe not in that 'top gear' way of early romance, but comfortably at 'cruising speed'. Since that physical separation, we've messaged every day, spoken at least weekly, and regularly visited each other. We went to Paris together earlier this year and plan to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary with a stay in Menaggio on Lake Como, a favourite place of ours. I may have just said farewell to Sarah, but we'll see each other again in around six weeks when I stay at Sarah's place in mid-October

LAT relationships aren't for everyone (the same is true of 'conventional' marriages), as they represent a significant shift in a couple's approach to intimacy, commitment, and communication.  However, such relationships offer an alternative that accommodates individuals' diverse needs and preferences. While this arrangement presents benefits, such as increased independence and reduced domestic conflicts, it also comes with challenges, particularly in maintaining emotional intimacy and navigating social perceptions. As with any 'good' relationship, ultimately, the success of a LAT relationship depends on the partners' ability to communicate effectively, respecting each other's autonomy, and balancing the complexities of living apart while remaining emotionally connected.

LAT works for Sarah and me, and it's more loving apart than living apart together. While it's always an emotional challenge when we say goodbye to each other after being together for a while (turning to see Sarah disappear into the crowd as she walked away from me down the Euston Road after our return from Paris was heart-catching - she, being the sensible one of the two of us, knew not to look back), it's soon replaced by the growing anticipation of seeing each other again and knowing that we will spend 'quality' time in each other's company devoid of the niff-naff and trivia of day-to-day cohabitation. On reflection, it's a far heightened sense of togetherness compared to what I think we felt in the last year or so of our 'together' marriage under the same roof.

As Fitzgerald offered, there are all sorts of love in this world, but never the same love twice ...